


what I want (will always be out of reach from me)

by lilactealpetals



Series: i feel uneasy when i'm not with you [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Is Gay, Idiots in Love, Insecurity, M/M, Oikawa Tooru is a Mess, Oikawa Tooru-centric, Pining, Unrequited Love, did my best to not swear in the story, fucking communicate please, including me, iwaoi finally getting together ft. matsuhana and suga being so done, lapslock, or supposedly of course, suga and everyone is so done with these two idiots pining for each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 06:01:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23346592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilactealpetals/pseuds/lilactealpetals
Summary: in which oikawa is lonely, and being that cancerian he is, overthinks, pines and lands himself in the very situation he wanted to avoid.alternatively, oikawa being his emotional dramatic precious self but iwa is more observant than oikawa takes him for.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Series: i feel uneasy when i'm not with you [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1679182
Comments: 1
Kudos: 56





	what I want (will always be out of reach from me)

oikawa tooru wants many things.

getting to nationals. becoming the best setter he can be. beating a certain raven haired junior's ass, and so on. but he's resigned himself to some facts, some things he knows he just simply couldn't get because fate is biased no matter how hard you work. 

like how he could probably never beat ushi annoying waka at volleyball unless he seriously gets seijoh to pull a miracle. like how kageyama would definitely surpass him overtime because the kid just had that much raw potential in him. like how hajime would never like him back the same way he did. 

tooru's resigned himself to these few facts, his biggest insecurities and made peace with them, as much as he could. the last one somehow kept bugging him whenever hajime decided he had to flash the brightest smile in the world to his childhood best friend, or when hajime just had to roll up his sleeves and use tooru to nearly faint at the sheer bara-ness emanating off him.

but he's ok. completely and totally fine with his endless pining for the boy who's been through thick and thin with him since birth.

definitely not staring too hard at hajime’s side profile as the latter slams the ball set by yahaba then turns to give the younger advice on his set to him. hajime had always struck him as that reliable, dependable guy everyone could lean on in times of trouble. and that was tested and verified by tooru himself back in middle school. 

tooru does his best not to space out with thoughts of iwaizumi haiime as he gives makki a toss, relishing in the satisfying slam of the ball onto the ground. just not the same way iwaizumi’s spikes hit the ground but he’ll live. 

tooru will live through moments of loneliness when hajime’s attention on him is just 1% less (yes he’s petty but wants the validation and attention hajime gruffly gives him), the times he feels sometimes just feels hurt by hajime’s light hearted insults (he knows they’re jokes but sometimes his sensitivity just acts up), the smiles undirected towards him but to girls asking hajime out. 

it doesn’t matter if tooru so desperately pines for his best friend, the outcome is written in the stars. iwaizumi hajime and oikawa tooru are made for each other but not as lovers, just brothers unbound by blood. the tears that stream down his face while thinking of hajime are insignificant compared to the friendship that has lasted 17 years with hajime. parallel lines have the same gradient but never meet. 

his most deep seated fear would come true if he confessed; hajime seeing tooru for the imperfect boy he was and leaving him for more perfect people, finally leaving after all these years. trying to convince himself being imperfect is alright never works because tooru finds himself nitpicking at every comment directed towards him every time. 

maybe the heartache wouldn’t be so bad if i broke things off. 

tooru slapped himself, hating himself for thinking of destroying the friendship he’s cultivated and built up so beautifully just because of his own selfish feelings. he most definitely cannot do that. not to his best friend. 

but maybe some distance would do me some good, just a little. just enough for me to get over this stupid crush of mine and be besties with iwa-chan again. the logic in that thought persuaded tooru.

yeah, maybe just a little distance, lest he end up staring at hajime a second too long and be found out. 

* * *

so that’s how it started, with tooru’s barrage of emotions for hajime making him avoid the other like the plague. it always starts small; going to school at different times even though the iwaizumis are right across his house, eating lunch separately, going home at different times. believable excuses come up every time: “mom wants me to cook dinner for takeru since nee-san is out” “i gotta buy some groceries” “this new comic book about aliens came out and i gotta buy it”. they flow freely like an unrestrained river, and dilute the hurt tooru inflicts on himself every time he denies himself the love of his life. 

hajime seems... indifferent. tooru knows he does care in his own violent, tsundere way but sometimes it’s so hard to not bristle at the harsh jokes hajime makes about tooru. tooru doesn’t have low tolerance, he can take light hearted joking insults. it just gets too much sometimes, and the dam he’s been building for himself explodes and emotions pour of him. 

tooru never really tells hajime how he feels, about anything in his life. yes he is open with the latter, but not always honest. hajime makes him feel safe and protected when he’s being vulnerable around him, but lately the whole prospect of telling hajime how he really feels about him just scares the shit out of him. a million worst case scenarios play out repeatedly in his head were he to confess. 

so he’s constantly stuck his brain into the chasm of self destructive thoughts and overthinking. of course, it doesn’t take less than 2 days for hajime to notice his best friend is off his usual game despite normal volleyball performance. tooru just seemed to be more closed off, even makki and masttun could tell, concern painting their faces and stares so much tooru just wanted to run away to his covers and hide there for an eternity. 

“oi shittykawa, are you ok?” a calloused hand pets his hair as tooru leans onto the table top, his body freezing up from the contact, sense tingling with so much happiness from hajime’s caring touch he tried to hold back from. 

putting on his daily cheery facade, he gave a cheeky wink and stuck his tongue out playfully, squealing all too happily, “oh iwa-chan, i’m so grateful for your concern! glorious oikawa-sama has been lonely for the past few days after getting dumped by naomi-chan not long ago~”

hajime gave his usual “che” before smacking him upside his head, but tooru held himself back. holding back wasn’t in his life creed but in this case, maybe it’ll do some good for once. 

the atmosphere took on a more solemn nature when hajime squatted by desk, meeting his eyes with a concerned stare as he whispered quietly, “oi, if you need me you know what to do. don’t be an idiot all the time, especially if you’re still having a hard time.” 

tooru couldn’t- no wouldn’t pull away from the intense stare from the man he so dearly loved for his entire life. everything stilled around them, all was quiet save for hajime’s words ringing in his ears, dark green eyes meeting the gaze of his own chocolate brown eyes. _dammit iwa-chan, making me love you even more._

“oh. yeah i’ll do that.” 

* * *

he never did. instead, tooru decided to efficiently waste his time facetiming a certain setter he had met on numerous occasions. mr refreshing, sugawara koushi. god, tooru never imagined calm suga-san could be so similar to him- have a knack for teasing others, more mischievous and be more of a kouhai than senpai. conversation was natural and of course, friendship even better so. 

sugawara was never judgemental of tooru’s concerns and insecurities, listening carefully and kindly to give good insights and amazing advice that tooru wondered he’ll even take out of cowardice. 

“hey all i’m saying is, you’ve known this man since birth right? you guys grew up together, go to each other’s houses which are right opposite each other’s as if it’s only natural, and your families are close to each other. doesn’t this spell out the perfect love story?” sugawara kindly, but exasperatedly sighed out, reiterating the same point in different words for the nth time. tooru was still so skeptical about hajime’s possible rejection of his feelings. the silver head couldn’t hold back the next sigh at his friend’s thoughtful pout of overthinking. classic tooru, he thought to himself. 

“but suga-chan~, you don’t get it! iwa-chan is just so oblivious about this whole thing, and doesn’t like care about relationships! he’s the type to focus on studies, volleyball and working out. literally, i fell in love with this gorilla simpleton but what can i do?” tooru complained again as he dramatically flailed his arms and bent over his bolster in more exasperation, perpetual pout on whenever the topic of his feelings for his iwa-chan was brought up. 

suga giggled softly, leaning his chin onto his palm before replying, “oikawa, you know iwaizumi isn’t a mean guy, and i’m sure he’s not as oblivious as you think he is. he knows you best after all, right?” 

tooru hummed thoughtfully, tapping his fingers against the tatami mat of his room. 

_yeah, maybe hajime does._

* * *

tooru continued his little charade of keeping hajime at an arms length; less touchy (hajime always did complain about his clinginess), less talkative (he did realise he does talk a bit too much actually), and less name calling of hajime ( ~~also to avoid him from getting beat up by those lusciously thick arms he wanted to touch and worship-~~ ) 

but yeah, tooru was lowkey proud for being able to keep this up. distancing himself from his beloved best friend dulled the aching of his heart, especially when his thoughts drifted towards the hedgehog haired man. everything was perfectly peachy, they weren’t not friends but just with a little more distance now. tooru ~~hated~~ liked it. tooru was ~~suffering~~ healing. tooru was ~~never~~ getting over hajime. all was ~~not~~ good. 

alas there was big flaw. when hajime made the initiative to get closer to tooru, inexplicable fear would burst through his heart and tooru would just do his best to calm his drumming heart whenever hajime casually slung an arm over his shoulder or direct a pointed smile right at him. 

the result? bigger, longer heartaches. definitely not the result tooru had aimed for. so he just lay there in bed on saturday, snuggled up into his futon as he stared up blankly at the wooden ceiling. thoughts of rejection, fear and doubt clouded over almost instantly, it wasn’t even unfamiliar. but maybe because he was so used it, it was ok. completely fine lying in his futon with tears streaming down his face and onto the pillows. 

going to school was almost a burden, the stares he got for being so damn popular in seijoh getting annoying. if his romantic life wasn’t so miserable, he probably would’ve relished in the attention he was getting. alas, today was definitely not the day for that. tooru tucked his hands in his pants pockets, grumpily stomping into class with a pout and foul mood so bad that the only people who could be around him were his best friends. 

resting his upper half onto the desk with a loud smack, tooru couldn’t even care less about all the pointed stares of everyone else and most particularly, makki, mattsun and hajime. even with his eyes downcast, he knew they were having those secret conversations through their eyes. usually, he’d be his dramatic self and make a big deal out of it for fun, but he just didn’t have the energy right now, deflating further onto the surface of the desk with a deep sigh. 

“my bro, you good?” makki started carefully, popping his obnoxiously pink hair right into his face to try and startle the setter. tooru weakly blew a raspberry at him before, planting his head deeper into the desk surface. 

“you know, you’re gonna have a breakout in your t-zone. the desk is full of germs, oikawa.” mattsun chuckled, trying to lighten the mood in his usual way. but his eyes told a different story of concern and care. 

tooru pouted even more, if that was possible, looking up right into hajime’s dark green eyes, yet again taken aback by the intensity of the stare. only iwaizumi hajime has the power to really make his heart do all sorts of acrobatics and shit- he was gonna get heart arrhythmia. hajime was crossing his arms as he glared down at him, those finely developed muscles just a millimetre shy of ripping his shirt at the seams, legs open comfortably in a way that radiates sexual energy, leaving tooru suddenly very thirsty, sweaty and turned on. 

swallowing down those feelings of desire, tooru just shrugged and closed his eyes, doing his best to sleep before class started. another secret conversation with their eyes happened, he knew it had, because next thing he knew, hajime was hauling him up gently (surprisingly) and dragging him into the secluded boys toilet approximately 10 minutes before class started. 

tooru was shook out of his daze by his one and only crush, distress screaming from hajime’s eyes tooru felt guilty for dumping all his emotions on his best friend. 

“so what’s up with you?” boy he could feel an argument coming already. 

toory forced out a smile, honestly wondering why he kept up this charade and made things hard for everyone. “it’s fine, i’m just in a small slump. it’ll pass, iwa-chan. besides, it’s a little unlike you to gently drag me here, maybe you’ve been eating something new? or i know, is there a girl? you should tell me what’s going on about your whole change in demeanour, i’m not used to this kind of-”

” _tooru_.”

just one word, the call of his first name made him stop rambling and look up into hajime’s eyes. right, he was leaning against the wall and somehow, hajime managed to shoot up 3 more cm recently. 

too many emotions swam in those dark green eyes. tooru felt his heart twist and his stomach fill with flitting butterflies. they say the eyes are the windows to your soul, and tooru would agree because he could see so many things reflected in hajime’s eyes. worry. anger. sadness. care. confusion. he wonders, could that ever all be mine. 

hajime takes a deep sigh before continuing. “tooru, tell me.” 

tooru bit his lip guiltily, eyes searching for the ground when hands cupped his face and forced him to look up, straight into the abyss of hajime’s soul. _god_ , he wanted hajime so _bad_. 

“we promised to tell each other everything right? it’s not a small slump if your mood swings last two weeks, just tell me what you’re going through and we can work this out.” hajime was imploring him at this point, their bodies getting closer and closer as the two boys- helplessly in love boys- stared into each other’s eyes. everything around them disappeared and faded into the background, just the sound of leaves rustling outside and their breathing. 

tooru didn’t know where to put his hands now that hajime had delicately coaxed his gaze up, gulping as the other drilled into him, but not without care. 

“i uh, it’s more than losing to karasuno last month.” he looked up at hajime’s response and saw the nod to continue. his heart was going to break his rib cage with the fast and irregular beats. 

“i had a revelation. similar to when i found out that babies aren’t made just by holding hands, like when i found out cocoa isn’t sweet but bitter, like when i realised i’m in love with someone.” 

hajime’s grip on the sides of his face slackened ever so slightly and panic rose in tooru’s chest, his hands flying up to keep those warm, callous palms against his face. 

“l-listen ok. i know i’ve been distant and that’s unfair of me, but i just needed space like overall, even from my family to really think about this.” 

blush creeped up tooru’s neck, ears and cheeks as memories of hajime’s sweet smile came to mind. his chuckle at whatever crackhead joke hanamaki made. 

“so did you think about it?”

”yeah. a lot.” maybe too much, but he didn’t add. 

another deep breath and tooru made his mind up. 

“iwaizumi hajime, i don’t want you to freak out when you hear this, ok? like i know it’s weird and i’m weird, well you’re weird too for liking godzilla but hey you know, preferences vary and it’s not that simple-” 

hajime couldn’t hold in the chuckle at his best friend’s rambling and just hushed a “shh”. 

“cut to the chase, tooru.” 

_this was it_. 

tooru shut his eyes and whisper-shouted, “i love you and more than aliens and every ufo conspiracy theory.” 

he couldn’t bear to look up until he heard that chuckle, one of hajime’s hands moving away to presumably wipe tears of laughter coming out of his eyes. tooru pouted indignantly. how could hajime make so light of his confession? hajime flailed his arms as his chuckles progressed into guffaws and he bent over.

“iwa-chan! this isn’t something to laugh so heartily about-”

this time he wasn’t cut off by words, because hajime’s warm lips were pressed onto his, and he tasted so fucking sweet of fruits and tooru’s mind was going to explode and his heart was going to fail- 

hajime broke the kiss, body pushing tooru’s onto the contrastingly cold wall, smile of glee as he leaned his forehead onto tooru’s. 

“you idiot.” 

“iwa-chan-”

”you lovable dumb idiot.” hajime tilted their heads to look into each other’s eyes. tooru realised it was like staring at the galaxy of stars, mouth agape from shock. 

did this mean...

”i’m in love with you too, you fucking idiot. i love you so much, you have no damn idea where i’m gonna begin spoiling the fuck out of you,” hajime whispered for only them to hear, peppering little pecks all over tooru’s tomato red face with that boyish grin. 

elation filled tooru’s heart and he rested his arms naturally on hajime’s shoulders to wrap around his neck. 

“i love you so much too, hajime my gorilla.” he laughed at that, only to proceed with a deep passionate kiss, much unlike the first of gentleness. as they locked lips, their bodies pasted together impossibly closer, tooru finding himself weak in the knees and jumping onto hajime, to which the latter simply held his legs and melded deeper into the kiss. tooru wrapped his legs around hajime’s waist, hands messing with short spiky hair and the naps of hajime’s neck just as the other lifted tooru’s hips up, hands snaking around his waist. it was their intertwining of emotion, relief and love mixed to give them their happiness. 

tooru to hajime. and hajime to tooru. 

however, their intense make out session was interrupted by matsukawa’s voice. “idiot lovebirds, class is starting in one minute! pull your pants up and get out!” his and hanamaki’s ungrateful chortles trailed after them, as tooru and hajime broke the kiss, giggling softly while hajime let tooru down. rearranging their hair and clothes to seem less suspicious, tooru took a glance at the man he loved, to which the other returned with just as much love. shyly holding hands, they crept back with grins and goosebumps. and in that moments, tooru thought hajime’s smile was brighter than the sun. 

if tooru were to fall, he knew hajime would be there to catch him. 

**Author's Note:**

> wanted the feels and i think i did that :3 haven’t posted in a while and this was in my drafts, downloaded reddit and went to the writing community and was just motivated to finally finish this one shot of iwaoi amazingness 
> 
> watch and read haikyuu. it’s so gay and beautiful and just amazing 🥰✨🔥


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